Maybe in another life
I could find you there
Pulled away before your time
I can't deal, it's so unfair
And it feels, and it feels like
Heaven's so far away
And it feels, yeah it feels like
The world has grown cold
Now that you've gone away
-- Offspring, "Gone Away"
Its so hard to look at the faces of my loved ones with these tears in my eyes. Its hard to see everyone feel so hurt and lost. I'm trying to be as strong as I can be. But it hurts. And I don't know when it will stop. My daughter is taking it much better than I expected. I don't know that she entirely understands. I have nothing profound to say. Nothing of any merit. I just know I haven't been this sad in my life. And I know that at some point it gets easier, but that light is still at the very far end of the tunnel and I'm taking baby steps. My sister's friend lost a parent three years ago. And her and her daughter still hurt. I am preparing myself to never stop hurting, but hoping that the pain hurts less over time. Now more than ever I'm going to need the support of my friends and family. But for once I wish I wasn't the first of my friends to go through these life experiences.
First to be married. First to be a father. First to be divorced. And now first to lose a parent. I started writing this to feel better, but thus far I don't. I'm trying to keep myself occupied. Working on my blogs and spending time with the family and if weather permits I'll continue to work on the backyard landscaping with my brother-in-law. And continuing to believe that my mother was proud of my family. And that she loved us all very much. And no matter what, knowing that when she left us, she took a piece of our hearts with her. Mom, if you are watching over us, just know that I always wanted to make you proud. And I hope that I did. Please look after your daughter and my niece. They need you. And we'll be okay, someday.
R.I.P
May 23rd 1943 - June 4th, 2009
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