May becomes a difficult time for me...

People are different.  We all experience our joys and sorrow in different ways and express these feelings in very different ways.  In my family, I always thought I was the extrovert.  I always felt like I was the center of the attention, be it in my circle of friends or surrounded by family.  Maybe it was because I was the baby of the family and usually did get the most attention.  But as I've grown older, wiser, and perhaps more cynical, I find myself not being much of an extrovert at all. 

My brother and sister seem to be very different.  They post a lot of their frustrations on social media outlets.  And I do realize the irony that I'm blogging about this-- which is almost exactly the same thing.  But I'm counting on 1) you'll never read this blog anyway, I see the traffic I know you won't.  2)  I'm not seeking any comfort from friends or family writing this.  Mostly this is an exercise in writing and a way that I can express how I feel, without much concern of what you will say or how it will affect you.

What this all comes down to is the Month of May for the past few years have been very hard on me emotionally.  My mother passed away two years ago this June.  And the expression, "you don't know what you have until its gone," only scratches the surface of how I feel when it comes to my mom.  Often times my mother and I would argue, I would venture to guess that I'm probably as stubborn as she was.  We'd argue over the silliest things.  Probably one of the best/worst traits I got from my mom is having the need to convince people I am right.  A trait that my loved ones probably don't enjoy.   With Mother's Day earlier in the month and her birthday later in the month, I spend a lot of time thinking about who my mom was and how much I miss her. 

Something that will probably haunt me all of my days was the last argument I had with my mother.  Every time I relive it in my head I wish I could have taken everything back.  I wish I could have apologized.  I wish I could have had just one more hug.  I wish I could have just heard her say she loved me one last time.  I wish Lily would have had one more chance to spend the day with her grandma.  I wish my nephew Zeke would have had the chance to have at least one hug from his grandma.  So many regrets, so many tears, but I believe its because I love and care about you so much.  You always were there for me.  I think about you all the time, but the month of may is difficult for me.  Lily remembers you and talks about you all the time.  It breaks my heart.  We all love you so much mom.